An Open Letter to the U.S. Open Cup Trophy

Posted: September 17, 2012 in Sports
Tags: , ,

(note: this is tied in to an event that Sporting Kansas City, 2012 U.S. Open Cup champions, are organizing)

Dear US Open Cup Trophy,

Wait, how would you like me to address you? “US Open Cup”? “The Cup”? “The best thing to have escaped Seattle since the Sonics”? Anyhow, I need to open up to you.

There are so many things I would love to do, and share, with you. So far, I’ve only been able to admire you through pictures, and on my television. I haven’t been able to make it out to LSP this season for various reasons, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit jealous of those who have had the opportunity to mingle with you since your long-awaited return to Kansas City.

May I invite you to stop by my office for a bit? Not to stay and work the whole day, because who really wants to spend their day cooped up in an office if they don’t have to? I’ll have your own desk, nameplate, and everything set up for you to feel a part of my workteam.

What is your choice of beverage? I’m sure you’ve been treated to many fine wines and champagnes in your time. I’m a non-drinker, so I don’t have any of that around, but I’m willing to make accomodations.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t invite you to come along with me to my daughter’s daycare facility. I know, the thought of being around lots of toddlers might scare you. They slobber, they drool, they spit. They reach out and put their hands on things without washing them first. I assure you that I’ll not only run interference for you, but also treat you with the finest of microfiber cloths. I love my ShamWows, but we need something better than that for you.

I got to spend a little bit of time a while ago with MLB’s World Series trophy. As much as I love baseball, and loved even more that it was my hometown team who had won the right to claim that trophy for the year, I couldn’t help but feel that the WS trophy carried an attitude with it. It constantly had its own security force, and I wasn’t supposed to touch. You seem like you’re a much more down-to-earth trophy, and I will promise you that any contact I have with you will be with nothing less than care and respect. I know it’s kind of a big deal to be the first piece of hardware that this city has seen in close to a decade, but you come across as not being arrogant about it. I admire that about you.

I know that there will be plenty of other individuals who want to have a day with you, and that the competition will be fierce. I may not be able to offer you everything that some of them might, but what I can assure you is that I’ll selflessly give you everything that I possibly can. If you select me, you won’t see anyone genuinely happier to have a beautiful, eye-grabbing, high-class date than I would be.

All the best,

Jeremy

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